With Love

dear swap-bot,

you brighten my day in a way only fat manila envelopes and deco-tape covered packages can.

dear pasta, bacon and english muffins,

i know we haven't been very good friends lately. i love you, but i've recognized that we get along better if we meet infrequently. plus, i think i appreciate you more this way.

dear favorite jeans,

you don't fit anymore! which is great, because you're a few sizes larger than i'd like to wear. but it's also sad, because you actually made my ass look pretty good. and it's annoying, because i don't really want to buy new jeans. but how lame is it to complain about my sad life where i have to buy smaller jeans?

dear hair,

get with the program already! i have deep-conditioned you, i have masked you, i have put egg whites on you and you still act like you hate me. come on! i never blow-dry you, i rarely even brush you, how come you're so finicky lately?!

dear importers,

if you need something asap, please don't send it by sea. then get angry when there's an exam and a delay of 2 weeks. no, i can't make them examine your goods any faster. i can offer you a tip, though, and propose that you use air freight next time. or maybe... plan ahead!

dear blackberry,

i love you. you're the perfect size. you do everything i want. you are pretty and light and fit in my pocket and i think thought of you as one of my all-time best purchases. but you're so damn glitchy now! i can't use yelp or google maps without you having a seizure - i didn't even turn on the strobe light! like a controlling boyfriend, you don't let all of my calls through and your trackball has started sticking. i'm sorry b-berry, we used to be the best of friends, but i think it's time to move on.

dear cat box,

please clean yourself. kthxbye.

with love,

Katie