Time For Me To Be Honest {and FORTY pounds!}

{No, these are not great pictures with which to compare, but it's not like I've got pictures of myself in my underwear laying around. I think I can see a difference; I know my clothes are smaller.}

Okay, readers, I need your help. I have hit a wall. A plateau. A terrible place where "lack of motivation" resides. I have lost 40 pounds. F.O.R.T.Y. POUNDS! And that is amazing, and wonderful and I'm so, so proud of myself. When I think of it like that, I am amazed that I did it.

But then... I have forty more to go. And while I take a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that this first forty wasn't INCREDIBLY hard, I still want to whine and stomp my feet and yell, "I lost forty, isn't that enough?!" But it's not. I am 20 times healthier than I was 40 pounds ago, I no longer need the C-PAP machine, I am sleeping better, and have more energy and am happier with the way I look. But am I happy (as opposed to happier)? Am I at a place where I feel completely good about myself? No.

Sometimes, I wonder if this is the crux of the issue: I've been  a certain way for basically my whole life and I'm used to that. Everyone who has ever lost a ton fo weight says the same thing, "I'm still fat inside." You still think of yourself as the way you were. Maybe if you lose 20 pounds, you can parade around on the beach, super happy about your new, improved body. But for me, and so many in this situation, I'm 40 pounds lighter on the outside and exactly the same on the inside.

Don't get me wrong, I notice the changes and I REVEL in them. I run my hands over my wrists, collarbones, knees and hips all day long. I love the feeling of these changes. But acknowledging that, yes, my rings now fit on my middle fingers instead of my pinkies is WAY different than feeling like I'm not fat.

And when I get really discouraged, I get angry because I found beauty in myself before. I saw sinuous lines in my shoulders and strength in my calves - even forty pounds ago! So, when I'm already discouraged, I wonder "was this necessary?" Was I so terrible before?" And of course, I know this is crazy. I know I need to be at a healthy weight. But there are so many emotions, so many lifelong FEELINGS wrapped up in this journey that sometimes I'm overwhelmed. Because if that's who I was, then who am I becoming?

Half of me says, "You're not defined by your weight or your looks. You are still who you think you are." The other half says, "Hah! That's crap. Of course you are defined by your looks. They have made you who you are. The fat girls are smarter, and funnier, and better writers. The fat girls are good friends, and nurturers and never ask for much." And that's who I am, who I've always been. How much of that is because of my weight? Or is my weight a product of those things?

So, I'm at a place where I'm relatively steady at being lame. I cheat on my diet because I feel like I "earned it" or like I "already messed up, so why not?" And I'm super pumped about going to the gym at completely inopportune times, like in the shower, on the way to school or while I'm at work. And I psych myself up for a workout, and then... I'm exhausted, or I have to do homework, or I have to do 3651 other things. And of course, these are all excuses. Because when I was really motivated - 2 months ago - I had time to gym, and blog, and clean the cat box, and do homework.

I'm just stuck. Emotionally. So, I need your help, readers. Please, please leave a comment (or send an email) with whatever motivates or inspires you. What gets your butt off the couch? And actually, it doesn't have to be your workout inspiration, it could be whatever inspires you in general? Maybe to be a happier person, to be a more patient parent, to be a calmer driver or better at whatever you do!